Recently I've come across a couple of stories which raised doubts about how important all the wedding-day details really are. Here's an excerpt from Leigh Michaels' Backwards Honeymoon:
They'd talked to the judge and set up an appointment for midmorning on Friday - just thirty-six hours off now. What else was there to do?Jayne Ann Krentz's short story, Congratulations, You've Just Won, also suggests that the wedding preparations might get in the way of thinking about marriage. I liked it, and although it's very short, I think it's a perfect example of Krentz's 'voice'.
How different this was than the circus atmosphere surrounding the wedding she'd run away from. No fancy gown and veil to be fitted one last time, no Antoine to fuss with a dozen possible ways to do her hair, no ushers and bridesmaids to entertain, no platinum and diamond rings to have sized, no reception menu to need final approval...
She wondered idly if the real reason for all the traditions surrounding weddings was simply to keep the bride too busy to think. Without dresses and hair and attendants and rings and food to worry about, a woman had a lot more time to wonder if she was crazy to get married at all. (2002: 218-219)
And while we're on the topic of thinking more about the wedding day than the marriage, I thought I'd mention this list of Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying from The New York Times. Michele Weiner-Davis notes that 'Rumor has it that' this article, 'a Dec. 17, 2006, New York Times list of 15 key questions, was the second most e-mailed story at NYTimes.com last year and the third most read article on its Web site for 2006' and she offers her own advice about things couples should be thinking of before the wedding.
So how do you feel about weddings? Is the wedding day 'the best day of your life'? Can you expect to have a 'perfect day'? Did you know that some people are spending so much on their weddings that they're also taking out insurance to cover costs should there be any 'unexpected hiccups'? It's worth noting, though that 'insurance policies don't cover cold feet. So if you get ditched at the altar, it will be your finances, as well as your heart, that is broken'.
- Michaels, Leigh, 2002. Backwards Honeymoon (Richmond, Surrey: Harlequin Mills & Boon). This is a large-print edition.
Clipart from the Bridal Association of America's Free Wedding Clip Art collection.
I've come across that in Romance, too. It's always struck me as a little odd, and liable to set a person up for disappointment. But then, I've felt wary of investing too much import into any single day since I was old enough to realize that Christmas Day could never fulfill all the expectation leading up to it.
ReplyDeleteI have thought about getting married, though. When I did, I imagined a casual atmosphere, standing in front of a justice of the peace with a group of close friends, dressed in a flowy skirt and a cute top, smiling in joy and good humor at someone I love, serious but not taking ourselves too seriously. I don't want to be overwhealmed with emotion or grandure. I just want to stand there and know that, yeah, waking up next to this guy for the rest of my life sounds like a good thing that, despite arugments and life taking its tool, I won't ever really get tired of.
'Course, then the Food Network did a special on all the places that make spectacular wedding cakes and into the midst of my casual mental image of a wedding popped this huge, fantastic, multi-layer chocolate cake with whipped cream and strawberries between the layers, iced white with a rainbow of life-like sugar flowers.
It was somewhat incongruous. Heh. I compromised and imagined it smaller by several orders of magnitude, but just as tasty. ;)
*toll, not tool. Life doesn't take tools. That I know of. ;p
ReplyDeleteI've felt wary of investing too much import into any single day since I was old enough to realize that Christmas Day could never fulfill all the expectation leading up to it
ReplyDeleteYes, I had that too. For one thing, it's hardly ever a white Christmas round here. Secondly our chimneys were all blocked, so although Santa did visit, it made it a little difficult to fit the story round the practical difficulties. And one Christmas when I was still quite young my mother bought me a lovely musical box, which she wound up the night before, so that when I opened it in the morning it would burst into song. Instead it was broken because of having been left wound tight for so long (it got repaired later). I could go on but I'd sound like Scrooge. I always felt that the pressure to have a 'perfect' day actually made that less likely because of the amount of stress it put on us.
So perhaps that gave me the idea that if I had low expectations about this sort of thing then I'd usually be agreeably surprised. So I never really expected I'd get married.
Our cake was quite spectacular, though. My mother-in-law baked a lot of different kinds of cake (to cater for different preferences and allergies) and then put them on a multi-level pot/pan stand like this one which we decorated with ribbons. And then we used the stand for pots in our new flat.
I've come across the same thing, Laura, but I have to say I have neither as a child nor as a teen felt any urges to plan my wedding day. I haven't even played "Wedding Day" with Barbie and Ken. Instead I usually sent my Barbies on perilous journeys through mysterious caves or jungles or simply cut their hair. But all in all, I thought Barbies rather boring.
ReplyDeleteMy heroines don't strike me as the type to have planned or dreamt of their wedding days as children either. Actually, they don't dream of their wedding day at all. Well, perhaps Amy does, but she's got a good excuse: she's drunk a love potion and as a result is behaving in a rather strange fashion anyway. *g*
Guilty. I'm one of those women who planned her wedding since...well, forever. But honestly, once I was confronted with planning the real thing, it was hard to DECIDE on anything!
ReplyDeleteI can't say my wedding was totally perfect--that would be insane and scary--but I think that if you're planning something even slightly complicated, you need to: a) stick to a realistic budget; b) have someone who will tell you when you're getting too overwrought or about to buy a fugly dress; c) have a list of priorities--and refer to it often; d) condition yourself on the big day NOT to spot all the flaws. Then you can actually enjoy your own wedding (and so can your new husband *lol*)!
My mum made my cake and it was awesome--fountains, stairs, tiers, and multiple flavours. It was so grand that it got in the way of our bridal table photos.*lol* But everyone remembered it--more importantly, people took slices home--and that's what counts.
Kat, I think those sound like very good ideas for how to avoid ending up 'insane and scary'.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I object to any heroine or real-life person having thought about her wedding years in advance, it was just that (a) I was a bit annoyed by the assumption made in some romances that all women do this, which clearly isn't the case and (b) I've noticed that some people do end up a bit 'scary' as a result of wedding planning, so I think maybe if they put the day into perspective (i.e. just the first of many hopefully very happy days and years of marriage) then, ironically, they'd actually enjoy their 'big day' more.
I think it's just one of those stereotypes about women that's become humourous, probably because it can turn otherwise rational people into savage beasts (in pink!). There are others out there--compulsive shopping or addiction to shoes--that don't apply to me, but I see them often enough in other women that I can laugh at those kinds of references in a romance/chick lit novel.
ReplyDeleteLast year, I read a few news articles on the emerging trend of Groomzillas, which makes me think that wedding madness isn't really about being women's fantasies per se, but because it's usually left up to us to do (or we're expected to think about it more), we're the ones who tend to exhibit the bizarre behaviour.
And yes, I have found that more and more of my friends are opting for a more laid back wedding with lots of small, personal touches. But I think this also boils down to the kind of family/friends you have. If they're more likely to pass judgement on the reception/your dress/etc. then you're more likely to stress out about planning those details. I should have added to my previous list: e) only invite people who will be happy for you.
the emerging trend of Groomzillas, [...] makes me think that wedding madness isn't really about being women's fantasies per se, but because it's usually left up to us to do (or we're expected to think about it more), we're the ones who tend to exhibit the bizarre behaviour.
ReplyDeleteI think this also boils down to the kind of family/friends you have. If they're more likely to pass judgement [...] then you're more likely to stress out about planning those details
I wonder if there are parallels here with the increasing numbers of boys and men with body image problems. Traditionally it was seen as a female problem, with mainly women and girls diagnosed with bulemia and anorexia, but that's been changing as men are feeling increasingly judged on their looks too, though 'For girls, it's about being very thin. For boys this was about being muscular in tone' (BBC) and
About 1 million men in the United States suffer from an eating disorder, a problem once thought only faced by women.
"The number of men with eating disorders and body image disturbance is steadily increasing," said Brian Kassar, a counselor at Montana State University. [...]
"Studies show that men's dissatisfaction with their body image has tripled over the last 30 years and that as many as one in 10 men have eating disorders," Kassar said. (Montana State University)
So I wonder if sometimes there's a pressure to create 'the perfect wedding' that comes not just from a bride's wishes, but, as you suggest, from a fear of judgement from others, and maybe men are now feeling this more too, with the wedding perhaps being used by some people to judge whether the bride and groom are wealthy, organised, popular, have good taste etc. Obviously there's nothing wrong with either people looking good or having a wedding day which makes them happy, but clearly there are pressures around which make some people feel dissatisfied/unhappy because they can't achieve an impossible ideal.
When I planned my wedding day, my mother helped me a lot, in fact she almost did everything. I always thought that she had more fun than me!
ReplyDeleteBut no, as a girl I never thought about that day. I did think a lot about giving birth though. I still have fantasies about it.